the fake boyfriends

Norman Reedus: An Annotated Filmography


Figure 1. Reedus as loadie

Figure 1. Reedus, consummate loadie



We have Netflix DVD and streaming service, plus HBO  for some unknown reason (we get no other cable channels, premium or not) so I’m using these tools to burrow my way through the filmic oeuvre* of Norman Reedus. I’m nowhere near finished but all good things take time; calm your tits.

Here are my thoughts thus far:

Tough Luck: he’s pretty tits in this one. Total dirtbag loser face. +1 for taking place in a seedy carnival. And that chick he makes out with? Is Patrick Wilson’s hot wife that totally killed on the reaction when people said that Patrick Wilson was too hot to get it on with Lena Dunham in that one episode of Girls.

Floating: Masterful. It’s like the companion film to Sex & Violence in a lot of ways. Even my sister liked it:  “That didn’t totally suck.”

Moscow Chill:  Ehhh. He’s handsome, though. Mostly makes me want to smoke cigarettes.**

Pawn Shop Chronicles: Here he’s a meth dealer who wears a gas mask and a welder’s apron the whole movie so it’s hard to see his face. However, he’s naked under the welder’s apron, so +1 for that.

Reach The Rock: Not worth it. He’s in it for one scene.

Messenger 2: The Scarecrow:  Don’t. I mean, you see him get all sexy a bunch but you’ll pull muscles in your face from cringing at all the “scary” Scarecrow bullshit. Also, he’s supposed to be a farmer. A FARMER. Hand to god.

Meskada: The Reedus is Liquid Sex in this one. Worth it to just watch him moooooove all serpentine-like in his hillbilly flannel shirt. It’s a boring movie, though.

Let The Devil Wear Black: This movie is also boring as hell. Though Reedus plays this sleazy dude who talks about blowjobs for one scene, so +1.

A Crime:  This is really a Harvey Keitel movie. Not that this is bad or anything. The Reedus is highly handsome here, however. +1 for having dogs.

Blade II: Ugh. I can’t get into the Blade franchise. My normal Vampire Kink doesn’t work on that movie. Also, he wears what looks like a hemp necklace. Maybe that’s it?

Hello Herman: Not done with it, but it’s not too bad, really. I mean, how much can one like a school shooting movie? Also, he strokes his chin a lot.


*I don’t know how to pronounce ‘oeuvre’
**this is generally true of all Norman Reedus movies


Figure 1. Oh my sweet holy unfathomable lord

Figure 1. Oh my sweet holy unfathomable lord. Click on this to animate it because I said so.

I have to get on an airplane tomorrow and I hate doing that because of irrational fears. Don’t worry, I have Xanax. But still. I hate it. I hate leaving my little house and my little family and my little groove.

In the spirit of not being all bummed out, I invite you to send me some good-looking Fake Boyfriends. Fill up that submit box, yo. Get my mind off this fiery-crash death spiral.

Here is the submission page link. 

You can send a picture w/o a caption if you like; or caption it yourself. I’m not fussy.

And thank you in advance.