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More Than 13 Ways Of Looking At The Vampire Diaries Season Finale: "Graduation"

Figure 1: Alaric who is dead. Kinda. But anyway. I miss him. 

How can we care about graduation when nobody ever went to school?

Oh, Bon Jovi. Oh, Daytime Drinking.

“I should be upstairs grooming my hero hair!” – oh snap, Stefan

This whole ‘I’m dead but I’m walking around’ thing? Kinda negates the deadness part. Plus ghosts can eat/drink?

Um, so, who’s this ex of Rebekah’s and what’s with his Romance Novel Costume?

What the fuck’s with all the vengeance-having Irish brogue dudes?

God, I love Alaric. What a mistake to kill him. Or a brilliant move. Whatev.

The Romance Novel Guy is like a mix between Jacob in Twilight and Highlander.

Also, this shit Rebekah and Matt are talking about, about traveling? While he stands on the Bomb Suitcase of Death? Seems rushed/hurried/weakass.

Sire Bond. Emotions. Elena’s Humanity. The Cure. YAWN.

Suddenly, Drunk Stefan is all snappy and rational.

“The Hunters are dicks.” – Damon, who I love.

Still not understanding this weirdo ex of Rebekah’s. I need more time to absorb what his deal is.

Do people really care that much about graduation? I spoke at my graduation and I didn’t even care that much. Christ. Also, why does Stefan go to graduation? What’s the goddamn point?

“Welcome parents…if there were any in Mystic Falls. But there’s not…so…” – Principal Guy, who is also Bonnie’s Dad, somehow? I have not been paying proper attention.

Has someone made a supercut of all the times Damon’s been staked/shot/killed?

Don’t you wish Lexy and Alaric could be everyone’s mom and dad?

OH MY GOD KLAROLINE THAT IS THE BEST EVER

I kind of feel like Elena/Katherine are doing all the acting in this episode and everyone else is just reading their lines. Okay, except for Alaric. And Stefan. And Lexi. And Klaus.

Okay, what I’m saying is that Bonnie and Damon and Matt and Rebekah are phoning it in, okay?

Can you imagine Stefan in Portland?

Should I feel bad that Bonnie’s dead? Nobody’s really ever dead on this show, though. She shoulda timed it better so she and Jer coulda made out amidst all the Yankee Candles, though. Dummy.

I don’t know what’s going on re: Elena/Katherine/Stefan/Shadow Selves/Silas. But I hope Matt finally gets some already.

Dunno if I’ll watch this show next season. My Give-A-Damn is busted on the whole.

A Case of The Shingles

So I’m having a bit of a lie-in with my dog in this super gross outfit (husband’s a-shirt, gross short-shorts) having my shingles. Dee dee dee.

Because I went on vacation up North and got the shingles. Because that makes sense, right?

I’ve just watched three episodes of True Blood. Where Stabler from Law and Order: SVU is a vampire in a pintstripe suit, yelling at people. I keep expecting Mariska Hargitay to barge in any second wearing her shoulder harness. ICE-T, too. And that Richard Belzer dude talking about conspiracies.

I have the shingles on my nethers. Pretty convenient place, that.

Pablo’s hanging out by me, but whenever I bust out the comb on him, he bails off the sofa. Even though he’s dripping with extra hair and it’s one billion degrees out. Why won’t he let me give him relief? He’s such an animal.

I don’t normally like sweet corn, but you know, it’s pretty good cold. Can’t explain that.

Our raspberry bushes are creaking with ripe berries. Come over and pick some. There’s burning nettles stuck in the middle of the bush, though. Be careful. I won’t come out to say hello; I’ve been braless all day. I’m super classy.

It’s uncomfortable to sit right now.

Did you know how huge a Valtrex is? It’s this lovely matte cobalt pill, about one inch long, half an inch wide. It’s really a marvel. It’s like choking down one of those pastel chalks. Except in cobalt, see.

I am prowling Netflix for more junk to watch. I watch TV when I feel sick.

Pablo says that I should take a nap. And a shower. How can I do both of those at once? He says he doesn’t know, he’s just a dog, god.

Favorite Books of 2011

These books weren’t necessarily published in 2011. But I read them in 2011 and this is my blog, where I am the metric by which all things are measured.

I read a lot of enjoyable books this year. But these are the ones I’d press into someone’s hand if they were looking for something to read. And they are books I purchased my own copies of, because I’d waited for them to come out or couldn’t bear to part with them once they were due back at the library.

Okay, I didn’t buy Lolita. I mean, who can’t get their own copy of that? But if I saw it at Half Price Books, I’d grab it. Nabokov’s pretty funny. I’d figured him for just another gloomy Russian.You know how people who tend to like Russian lit tend to be somewhat…unfun? This is not fair to those books (Anna Karenina was unbelievably readable) yet is something I’ve noticed. But Lolita is funnier than hell. Really. You’d think it’s all gross on account of the pedophilia, but it’s surprisingly witty.

ANYWAY. Here’s the list.

Young Adult
Rats Saw God by Rob Thomas
Freefall by Mindi Scott
Blood Red Road by Moira Young
The Secret Year by Kristin Hubbard
Stupid Fast by Geoff Herbach
Skippy Dies by Paul Murray (this isn’t shelved with YA, but I don’t care.)
Divergent by Veronica Roth
Forbidden by Tabitha Suzuma
The Sky Always Hears Me: And the Hills Don’t Mind) by Kirstin Cronn-Mills
Chime by Franny Billingsley
Shine by Lauren Myracle
Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld
Beauty Queens by Libba Bray
Ordinary Ghosts by Eireanne Corrigan
Jellicoe Road by Melina Marchetta
Just Listen by Sarah Dessen
The Piper’s Son by Melina Marchetta
Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You by Peter Cameron
I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith (Ye Olde YA!)
Story of a Girl by Sara Zarr
An Abundance of Katherines by John Green

Vampire/Supernatural
The Last Werewolf by Glen Duncan
The Radleys by Matt Haig
Thirsty by M.T. Anderson
Hold Me Closer, Necromancer by Lish McBride

Regular Grown-Up Fancy Pants Fiction
Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
The Brothers K by David James Duncan (And I don’t even LIKE baseball!)
Cheating at Canasta by William Trevor (He’s a KBE for a reason, man.)

Nonfiction
The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage & My Family by Dan Savage
Townie: A Memoir by Andre Dubus III
Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love & Desire by Lisa M. Diamond
War by Sebastian Junger

Thirteen Ways of Looking At The Vampire Diaries

1) I don’t like Stefan. Not Good Stefan. Or Ripper Stefan. The writers give all the good lines to Damon, therefore Damon is the one Elena should be with.

2) (Though I don’t give a shit about Elena, lately. You know what would be awesome? Besides having Elena and Damon take a bath together in Damon’s Bathroom of Superlative Fabulosity? Elena and KLAUS. Zing!)

3) Oh, hi Lexi! I love Lexi! I hope they bring her back.

4) EXCEPT: that ghost gimmick, where they can resurrect dead characters? Changes the stakes for actual character death now.

5) What was up with Alaric’s hair? And they’ve seemed to settle on calling him ‘Ric’ which is a complete abomination. And am I seeing things, or did he have some blond hamburger meat peeping out of his shirt collar last night? MMMMM…blond chest hair…

6) How much does Caroline continue to rule? Last night she was in her full of splendor of kick-assery.

7) And while Bonnie usually bugs, last night I liked her. The spell with her Grams was especially good, I thought.

8) I miss Klaus and his red lollipop lower lip.

9) Klaus’ dumb sister can be gone forever, though. She blows. She looks like she wandered in from the set of 90210 by accident.

10) Where was Tyler? I wanted his hybrid minion bad self to tear it up and he was AWOL. His mother can go hang, however. Why does she have to clog up this show? PARENTS, blah.

11) Where was Mikael-With-A-K last night? Did I miss something?

12) Who says Jeremy can’t bone his ghost girlfriend? It’s not like Bonnie’s a much better choice, the way she’s always flinging herself sacrificially every time there’s some new fatal emergency cropping up.

13) Are there enough _____________ in this show?
a) Official Town Founders Events
b) rentable dungeons
c) creepy caves with shocking secrets
d) magical devices and jewelry
e) instances of Damon getting impaled

Attention, True Blood, Season Four: Why Do You Have To Suck So Bad?

I guess I really want to have faith in my television shows. Since I have faith in nothing else, technically. So it upsets me to cut out the knees of a narrative I have hitherto really enjoyed, but goddammit, last night’s episode was so chock full of fuckery I cannot stay silent.

Let’s just run through this, character by character:

Sam: playing Barbies, becoming a bunny, doing some lady with light-switch nipples in a tent. Okay, that’s nice. Dee dee dee. But why do I care again?

Bill: Is always better when he’s far from Sookie. Dig his new role as king. But the second his wife comes on screen, he gets all goopy. Stop.

Eric: Was initially thrilling, with the memory loss reducing him to the vampire equivalent of John-Boy Walton being somewhat hilarious. But then he started staring at Sookie with his mouth all open and wearing barn coats and saying junk like ‘Can we make love?’ and just…YUCK. No. Stop. Grow out your hair and wear leather pants again and that ladies’ tank top, too, if you must. Whatever it takes to rinse this out of my mind.

Sookie: That ridiculous dream about the threesome was such a cringe-fest. You know something’s terribly awry when three nice-looking people attempt to get it on and you are looking at it from behind your fingers. Also, when she disrobed down to her Victoria’s Secrets, Anna Paquin looked rilly rilly rilly skinny. This is not her fault. This is Hollywood’s fault. Still – SIGH.

Jason: Okay, probably since the panther storyline died, Jason is okay. Normally, he’s just dumb and hilarious and impulsive, so I can’t fault him. Much.

Jessica: I pretty much continue to dig her. Though I don’t get why she can’t just have an open relationship with Hoyt. Oh, right…because Hoyt’s kind of old-fashioned. Also, isn’t she a perma-virgin? I don’t think even Jason Stackhouse has the skills to cope with this sexual problem.

Lafayette: LOSE THE THEO HUXTABLE HAIR.

Jesus: You’re okay, if you’d just shut up about how you’re a ‘brujo’ for one second. Also, why the hell would Mavis the Creole understand the Spanish you were hollering at her during the stupid spell part? The only thing missing from that whole dumb scene was a comic book dialogue bubble proclaiming SHAZAAMM!

Arlene/Terry: Both great characters now reduced to scrabbling around about their dumb BABY. See kids – babies really do ruin everything, including storylines on HBO vampire porn soap operas.

Tommy: Why do you keep coming around? I kind of want to like you. But then I don’t. But then you keep coming around. SIGH

Andy: Yes, you’re on V and you can’t handle going on dates. WHO CARES

Debbie/Alcide: Debbie is so gross it is improbable Alcide would ever date her, given he probably has to spend most of his waking hours eating raw peanut butter and doing plyometrics in order to stay in the shape he is in, and she’s such a hassle with her insecurity and what not. Also, why does he give a damn about Sookie again? Wait, because for some reason, everyone gives a damn about Sookie.

Marnie/Antonia: About all I can say is that I totally covet that leather belt she rocks. Otherwise I got nothing.

Tara: Like Tommy and Sam, I don’t get what Tara’s purpose is so far this season. Just to be mad and suffering every second? Wait, wasn’t that all you did last season?

Pam: reduced to bitching about being a zombie instead of fulfilling her show duty of being BAMF as usual. Completely ridiculous.

Sookie: I don’t get why she’s with Eric. She hated Eric. I mean, I know why I’d be with Eric. But I’m not a hater of Eric. Again. Consistency.

Overall:  At least the whole Fairy world thing was nixed pretty quick. Though I worry it’ll come back, like the dumb panther and evil baby doll storylines.

Plus, I knew real Wicca practitioners would hate the way they’ve portrayed the witches’ spells. And they make fun of it, the whole use of witchcraft, the Moon Goddess Emporium set, especially, as if supernaturality wasn’t the bread and butter of this damn show.

True Blood, baby, why you got to do me this way? I used to live for every Sunday night during the summer. Where did our love go?