13 Ways of Looking at Outlander

13 Ways of Looking at Outlander


Figure 1. sweet sweet gingerbread boy

Figure 1. Sam Heughan as Jamie Fraser, our sweet sweet gingerbread boy


1. The title sequence has AWFUL music. It sounds very Ren-Faire, with this sort of soaring dorky singing and pan pipes and whatever. Though the visuals are lovely, don’t get me wrong. But the song makes me embarrassed to be watching. I totally FF through that shit when possible.

2. Catriona Balfe as Claire Randall has that Insanely Luminous English Skin. Good lord. Do she and Michelle Dockery have the same facialist?

3. Re: Dougal. I love this character, and because I’m of a Certain Age, I also find him sexxxy in ways that are complicated and will go unmentioned. But at first when they referenced him, I misheard it as “The Dougal” and thought, oh, is that some Scottish title or job, like being “The Laird” or whatever the hell. Now I can’t unhear it, so when he comes on screen, I think, “lookit, there’s The Dougal!”

4. Okay, so Frank. Let’s discuss first Tobias Menzies. They always make him play a dick or a bad guy. He’s got a pointy-chin Bad Guy face. Claire describes him in the book as being athletic and built “like a tennis player” but despite that I have trouble wanting to see him naked in a sex-having way. It’s not because he discusses history constantly or because he’s not all swash-buckling and brawny like some other people I could mention, but mostly because he gives off the Most British Hands-Off vibe ever. I’m fine believing Tobias Menzies was born in a three piece suit just like I’m fine with Frank Randall staying in the 1940’s, far far away from Claire.

5. The Wicca and the circle stones and the Magick. Well, okay, whatever. I mean, 1990’s Me woulda gulped that down like a box of donuts.  Or cakes and ale, as it were. But now, like the title sequence, it gives me a full-on body cringe.

6. In case you are reading the books and are an ignoramus regarding Scottish Highlander dress, here you go. Also, the “sporran” is the little furry man purse the dudes wrap around their hips. They keep their weed and golf tees and hacky-sacks in there, I guess.

7. When they are having the naked sexy times on this show and in the book, try your hardest not to think about this. It sort of kills a lot of historical romance novels as well.

8. I dinna ken that listening to lads wax on in the Scottish way would make me flushed and sweaty. Dear god.

9. Though it helps if they look like Sam Heughan:


Figure 2. Even my swaggy Highlander agrees: I AM READY

Figure 2. I AM READY (the motto of Clan Fraser, as well as  every virgin male)


10. Sam Heughan was born in 1980. He’s actually Scottish, but I think they make his hair red for the show because he’s actually blond. THE SACRIFICES HE’S WILLING TO MAKE YOU GUYS.

11. Roxane Gay’s recaps on Vulture.com are as pleasing as the show itself. I love how she calls Frank “boring Frank” every time he’s referenced.

12. I prefer Claire in 1700’s Scotland. Her hair’s better. I’m not a fan of the curled-under 40’s hair, I guess. It’s all uptight and boring.

13. Clearly I’ve been leading up to Sam Heughan as Jamie Fraser which is totally the money shot of this post. OH MY SWEET AND CREAMY LORD YOU GUYS.  Such a goddamn babe. And the Scottish brogue! I could listen to him read The Bible. Okay, maybe not. Unless he was naked. Then I wouldn’t care. Strip down and Bible it up, baby. I am clearly insane, but it’s okay, because I’m happy and laughing at myself and nothing makes me more delighted than soaring goopy television and staring at beautiful men in kilts.


Figure 3. Being all Highlander-y and what not

Figure 3. Claire and Jamie being all Highlander-y and what not





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