What I Want For Christmas Is Nothing


Figure 1. We will never kill Christmas. Never. Goddammit, I'm just so tired.

Figure 1. We will never kill Christmas. Never. Goddammit, I’m just so tired


Because I have a checking account, I don’t ‘want’ anything for Christmas. If I want a thing, I generally just buy it.

Instead what I want for this damn holiday is the absence of things.

Not because I’m all ‘stop being so materialistic!’

Actually, I love material things. I love stuff. (Stuff. Thangs. Heh.)

Instead what I want is to NOT do things. Or BE things.

I want to NOT have to feel like I should make cookies for people.

I want to NOT have to go anywhere but my own home for the actual holiday.

I want to NOT have to attend dumb church or be photographed opening gifts.

I want to NOT have people make a big fucking deal of how ‘special’ this day is. It’s a day. It’s fun if you’re a kid. If you’re an adult, it’s exhausting and expensive and so once all the wrapping paper comes off, you stuff your guts with food and drink because you’re bewildered about how this happened to you, once again, and then you really feel like a loser.

My dream is to have a year where there are no holidays. No Thanksgiving. No Christmas. No Easter. Instead of celebrating, I would wake up and just glide over the day and it would really be meaningless and offer me nothing, instead of the weight and phoniness I contend with now.

Sorry if I bummed you out. At least you know what to get me now, if you haven’t already bought me something. You’re welcome.




  • Kelly Barnhill on Dec 17, 2013 Reply

    Those people who come door to door Witnessing at you? They don’t do holidays either. You could join! Of course, then you’d have to go door to door in a mid-calf length skirt and sensible heels, so….

    • Matthew MacNish on Dec 17, 2013 Reply

      JWs don’t even celebrate BIRTHDAYS.

      Which I kind of like, but that’s not the point.

  • Hannah Kincade on Dec 17, 2013 Reply

    So say we all! I love me some Christmas movies and music, but I could care less about everything else…unless it’s food. I will smash all the cookies and turkey dinnas. Which explains my less than skinny frame.

  • Matthew MacNish on Dec 17, 2013 Reply

    Here’s a digital lump of coal, just for you: ●

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