This Whole Big Hairy Sex Thing

This Whole Big Hairy Sex Thing

Figure 1: That is a nice little image to behold, isn't it? Yes, it is. La la la...

Figure 1: That is a nice little image to behold, isn’t it? Yes, it really is. La la la…

Let’s stipulate something.

I’m the kinda person who:

— other people tell to lower my voice in the coffee shop because I’m talking about the logistics of cunnilingus in the backseat of a car or how I would do Norman Reedus in front of my grandmother in broad daylight in the canned soup aisle of the grocery store and isn’t that hilarious, why are you shushing me! God!

— writes a graduate thesis on Sex in YA literature and then does a presentation on the same topic at a KidLit Conference

— while reading a romance novel, will stop mid-book and hold her place with her thumb and ask her husband: “Hey, Adrian? Does your cock go a little numb just before you come, honey? Because it says here in this book that this guy is having that happen and it’s talking about it like that’s totally normal…honey? Adrian? Hey? Come back here? I WANNA KNOW!”

— writes a book called Sex & Violence, making it virtually impossible for her parents to brag about their kid’s accomplishments at church.

(But I’m really normal, though, I swear. Super vanilla in my habits. Married, heterosexual, white lady living in the suburbs. I’m not, like, wearing opera-length latex gloves and going to play parties or attending swinger summer RV conventions or doing Jello shots while at strip clubs on Tuesday nights. I mean, all that shit’s fine. But I don’t do anything but be loud about sex. I’m super duper boring, behaviors-wise.)

Anyway, whatever. The thing I wanted to tell you was this. I started working on this new project. And yeah, it’s all romance-y. Romance-ish. I’m just sort of feeling my way through it. I don’t know what’s going on. We’re not even dry-humping, this project and I, just to continue on the aforementioned theme of general crassness.

And so I was noodling along with the story and was like, hey, let’s see what happens when the main characters – boring, white, straight people, I should add – finally decide to have the sex.

What happened is that I described it until almost all their clothes were off. And then guess what, you guys?

Then, I just felt like, can they be done now? Do I really have to describe her rosy nipples? Do I have to use the word ‘thickening’ and the word ‘firm’ and explain how his pupils dilated with lust and report that she moaned and bit her lower lip and that he groaned and his neck tendons tightened and discuss the tautness of their bellies and the softness of her thighs and everything clenching – jawlines, ass cheeks, biceps, fingers – like crazy the whole time?

Because who really notices that shit when they are fucking someone?

I’m thinking I’m all bark and no bite, when it comes to this whole big hairy sex thing.

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