Amusements I Can’t Get Into

Amusements I Can’t Get Into

Ask me to do any of the following and I’m gonna pack up my jack-o-lantern and light out for the territory.


Parades. Crowds + Waiting + Summer Heat  = No Thanks

Firework displays. (Unless I’m very, very far away. I don’t mind seeing them. It’s the noise + crowds that shits me out.)

Carnivals. These send me into a tailspin of depression. The port-a-potties, the harassed, drunken parents, the wasted money on tacky prizes, the camper vans of the people who work there all lined up around the edges. BAAAARRRRRRRFFFFFF.

Casinos. Come on into our dark world of people with oxygen tanks feeding their disability checks, coin by coin, into slot machines! You’ll probably lose all your money in the first 15 minutes, but come on! The buffet’s really good and it’s only $4.99! They even have crab legs! What’s not to love?

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