Wheaties Suck

Wheaties Suck

I try to avoid cereal first thing in the morning. Apparently it does something horrible to one’s blood sugar or whatever. I’m supposed to eat protein. Technically, I don’t have a dog in this fight, because I only buy cereal for The Matilda and The Adrian.

Adrian, when he bothers with breakfast at all, only does it on the weekends. He buys about 18 sacks of sugar cereal like Marshmallow Mateys and demolishes the whole package before noon.

Matilda’s taste in cereal is like that of a 65-year-old man: Heart to Heart, Oatmeal Squares, etc.

So really, this is nothing of which I’d normally speak. Thanks, Rebecca, for the prompt.

I’ve never liked Wheaties. They are that family of breakfast cereal that requires you blitz the bowl with a sandstorm of white sugar in order to choke it down. Otherwise, they taste like…the color brown. This being the food of potential champions makes no sense.

OTHER CEREALS REQUIRING SUGAR SANDSTORM:

Corn Flakes Blah, said Toad.

Grape NutsDon’t eat with your natural, human teeth. Borrow gramma’s denture plate instead. Also, you’ll notice that this cereal is almost like eating ACTUAL TEETH. 

Rice KrispiesThese don’t hold the sugar well, though. And when they get soggy? Forget it. Normally I will eat soggy cereal. But not stupid boring Rice Krispies. If Rice Krispies were people, they’d live in the suburbs in a giant McMansion and hang out those dumb ‘holiday’ flags out of their front door and only have sex with the lights off. 

Kix I realize I’m supposed to choose Kix. Because Healthy Moms Choose Kix. Or something. Right? But they are like those palate-scraping Captain Crunch nuggets, sans the sugar kick. Stick it, Kix.

If I had a choice, I’d eat scrambled eggs with chopped scallions, soy sausage, mushrooms, tomatoes and goat cheese, covered in salsa. But only if someone else made it.

One Comment

  • Riley Brent on Feb 08, 2012 Reply

    I was actually laughing when I was reading your post about the grape nuts. “Don’t eat with your natural, human teeth. Borrow gramma’s denture plate instead. Also, you’ll notice that this cereal is almost like eating ACTUAL TEETH.” I can’t imagine how tooth tastes like.

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