My Marital Bargain

The plus in marrying someone who a) knows everything b) knows how to do most everything is that your half of the bargain is quite low.

Of course, that’s not nice to contemplate sometimes, i.e. What is my purpose in this relationship? etc.

There are only a few things I offer Adrian that he would miss from me should we get divorced or I get hit by a bus.


1) Spending his money. Not in that I Heart Shopping! way, like I buy Gucci purses and shit. But I’m very good at knowing what our household needs with respect to supplies and food. This sounds meager, but it’s a big deal to Adrian, who finds repetitive tasks dull. He likes to be heroic and creative all at one crack. And buying toilet paper and knowing when we need more cinnamon doesn’t fit that bill.

2) Getting The Matilda to sleep. He is better at waking her up. I am better at comforting her into a coma. And not helping myself to my own coma, like he often does. I’m pretty unfun in the rest of my child-rearing, and far from a super-Mom. I couldn’t even breastfeed Matilda properly. And I hated pregnancy and birth and all that crap. And I hate ‘playing’ with her. Or any kids, really. I’m a grinch.

3) Writing thank you notes and buying gifts. Adrian for some reason doesn’t understand the need for gift-giving to coincide with birthdays/holidays. He can never remember to write a little thank you note to the kind of people who appreciate them (grandparents, mostly) but he appreciates the hell out of it when I take care of this for him.

4) Having friends he finds attractive. For some reason, Adrian thinks all my friends are babes. Well, they ARE. I can’t help it. I like the Beautiful People. But he also likes to talk to them and thinks they are all funny. Of course they are! Why would I keep them around otherwise? Plus they all tend to be brainy and creative and let him have his man fantasy of having a Big Love Harem of Smarty Pants/Artist Women.

5) Allowing the testing of new vocabulary without judgment.  This is when he busts out a word he’s read but hasn’t ever used and then asks, “Did I use that right?” and I can tell him and then he doesn’t feel dumb about going out into the big blue beyond and using it in front of strangers.

6) Planning stuff. Like, I plan The Matilda’s life. What her activities are, when she goes to the dentist, whether she should start wearing bras or cleaning her room or whatever the hell. Also, I decide if we should do anything social, because he can’t plan that shit, but he usually likes whatever I pick. He’s very social. I also plan stuff like, How About We Get A New Sofa With The Money I Make Teaching Harry Potter Classes. And then I make that happen and he puts together my Ikea sofa. Also, he hates moving furniture. Not because he’s a pussy about the task, but he’s like a blind dog about it. Shifts in home decor in general upset him.

7) Also, I watch his one and only child. I forgot about that. I hang out with her while she’s not at school and while he’s at work. I feed her and stuff. Make her read. Yell at her to finish her homework. Take her to swim practice. All that junk. Oh, and I’m really good at getting her swim cap on her head. Probably he could handle that, but let me have my petty pride.


  • Syntax and Salt on Feb 07, 2012 Reply

    I would add Legos to that list, only because I’ve had to for my smalls. Proudly desplaying (however unintentionally) anything of the adult nature can only end so, so poorly.

  • Carrie on Feb 07, 2012 Reply

    Nightstands should display:
    a glass of water

    Nightstands should CONTAIN:
    everything that’s not listed above

  • Syntax and Salt on Feb 07, 2012 Reply

    I could do without all the beer glasses that sit from weekend to weekend. Great Science, who knew a nightstand could provide both potential penicillin and endless material for ranting.

  • Carrie on Feb 07, 2012 Reply

    Ah, these are dangerous unmentionables. The smell memory is powerful. When your kids first smell The Pot later in life, they’ll connect the dots to Dad. Though pointing that out won’t probably help.

    The unmentionables I deal with do not reek in this way. But it makes me want to buy him a cabinet nightstand. “Why?” he asks. “What for?” Shameless bastard.

  • Syntax and Salt on Feb 07, 2012 Reply

    Maybe they have a club. A secret, filthy club where they plan these things. All of my things are neatly hidden where our really nosy children can’t find and touch them. My pot smoking husband has not yet subscribed to the idea that little plastic baggies are indiscreet. It doesn’t matter how upstanding he is- I require that he hide his shenanigans a little bit. “Mom, why is Dad’s sidetable stinky? My sidetable isn’t stinky but Dad’s is. Why?” Hrnk.

  • Carrie on Feb 07, 2012 Reply

    There’s a million cords and jacks for all his gadgets. A Kleenex box – I HATE visible tissue boxes! Five million motorcycle magazines. Unmentionable stuff that shouldn’t be in clear view of minors. It’s just ridiculous.

  • Syntax and Salt on Feb 07, 2012 Reply

    I am becoming moderately concerned that they could be the same person… Seriously, Justin’s sidetable is so gross. You would think he was 15. Used dental piks (yak), tissues from when he was sick, so horrific.

    I hate! television in the bedroom. I am glad that I finally prevailed. It was awful.

  • Carrie on Feb 07, 2012 Reply

    I hate the idea of TV in the bedroom. Watching from bed feels like being in a hospital.

    I once had to rearrange our bedroom so that his nightstand wasn’t easily visible to people entering the room. He doesn’t deserve a nightstand. He should have a pig trough. It’s so gross. Used dental floss and worse.

  • Syntax and Salt on Feb 07, 2012 Reply

    Hah! We just moved this massive, hideous barely used television out of our bedroom. Finally. It was free. He had to have it and then never, ever, ever touched it again. (Ok, maybe twice.) So now he has this empty space. And it’s his because I have ALL THE SPACE but he hasn’t done anything with it and it is giving me fits. It’s so unbalanced I could weep.

  • Carrie on Feb 07, 2012 Reply

    Man, I’d kill for some skills in the spatial arrangement department. Adrian is basically oblivious to this, too. It’s like he’s blind to the difference it might make in how you use/see a space. A lot of it is a lack of willingness to be my bitch boy, though.

  • Syntax and Salt on Feb 07, 2012 Reply

    I wish I knew – my dude is actually pretty savvy in the whole “things would look good like this” department. I think it’s an aversion to doing a single thing ever on the weekend and he’ll be damned if I’m going to make him put pants on or make decisions.

  • Carrie on Feb 07, 2012 Reply

    Is the furniture moving aversion because the guys don’t want to get up off said furniture? Or is it some distaste, like home decor makes them less masculine?

  • Syntax and Salt on Feb 07, 2012 Reply

    Lol. I can relate to very, very much of this. (I’m frankly convinced that mein Mann loves my friends much more than he loves his own. And he will suffer through a furniture rearrangement somewhat ungraciously but will proclaim me victorious in the end, even if, perhaps, I am not.)

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