My Marital Bargain
The plus in marrying someone who a) knows everything b) knows how to do most everything is that your half of the bargain is quite low.
Of course, that’s not nice to contemplate sometimes, i.e. What is my purpose in this relationship? etc.
There are only a few things I offer Adrian that he would miss from me should we get divorced or I get hit by a bus.
(OBVIOUSLY SEX. I’M GOOD AT THE SEX. WHO ISN’T? IT’S NOT DIFFICULT. GOD.)
1) Spending his money. Not in that I Heart Shopping! way, like I buy Gucci purses and shit. But I’m very good at knowing what our household needs with respect to supplies and food. This sounds meager, but it’s a big deal to Adrian, who finds repetitive tasks dull. He likes to be heroic and creative all at one crack. And buying toilet paper and knowing when we need more cinnamon doesn’t fit that bill.
2) Getting The Matilda to sleep. He is better at waking her up. I am better at comforting her into a coma. And not helping myself to my own coma, like he often does. I’m pretty unfun in the rest of my child-rearing, and far from a super-Mom. I couldn’t even breastfeed Matilda properly. And I hated pregnancy and birth and all that crap. And I hate ‘playing’ with her. Or any kids, really. I’m a grinch.
3) Writing thank you notes and buying gifts. Adrian for some reason doesn’t understand the need for gift-giving to coincide with birthdays/holidays. He can never remember to write a little thank you note to the kind of people who appreciate them (grandparents, mostly) but he appreciates the hell out of it when I take care of this for him.
4) Having friends he finds attractive. For some reason, Adrian thinks all my friends are babes. Well, they ARE. I can’t help it. I like the Beautiful People. But he also likes to talk to them and thinks they are all funny. Of course they are! Why would I keep them around otherwise? Plus they all tend to be brainy and creative and let him have his man fantasy of having a Big Love Harem of Smarty Pants/Artist Women.
5) Allowing the testing of new vocabulary without judgment. This is when he busts out a word he’s read but hasn’t ever used and then asks, “Did I use that right?” and I can tell him and then he doesn’t feel dumb about going out into the big blue beyond and using it in front of strangers.
6) Planning stuff. Like, I plan The Matilda’s life. What her activities are, when she goes to the dentist, whether she should start wearing bras or cleaning her room or whatever the hell. Also, I decide if we should do anything social, because he can’t plan that shit, but he usually likes whatever I pick. He’s very social. I also plan stuff like, How About We Get A New Sofa With The Money I Make Teaching Harry Potter Classes. And then I make that happen and he puts together my Ikea sofa. Also, he hates moving furniture. Not because he’s a pussy about the task, but he’s like a blind dog about it. Shifts in home decor in general upset him.
7) Also, I watch his one and only child. I forgot about that. I hang out with her while she’s not at school and while he’s at work. I feed her and stuff. Make her read. Yell at her to finish her homework. Take her to swim practice. All that junk. Oh, and I’m really good at getting her swim cap on her head. Probably he could handle that, but let me have my petty pride.