Romantic Deal-Breakers

Romantic Deal-Breakers

When it comes to romantic storylines, my gross-out button is very sensitive. Which doesn’t mean I don’t like romantic stuff – I do. I am probably the goopiest person alive.

 But the following set off my OH HELL NO alarm:

References to boys’ brief underwear or “Jockey” shorts. Where does one buy “Jockey” shorts? Do you need to get in a time machine and go back to when they were available for purchase?

Principal characters playing  musical duets together. SHUDDER

The insinuation that being in Band is cool.  I have in mind a Nameless Popular Book where Band serves as a backdrop for budding romance. I know that this world is an infinity of possibilities, and Band being cool is one of them. But I only went to high school once, where I learned that Band = Kingdom of Dorks. This is very hard to wash out of my brain.

Boys singing. Or playing flutes. Or the piano. Or, as in Nameless Popular Book, the CLARINET. God. I have a thing about musicality and romance, apparently. I had this boyfriend who used to play his electric guitar when we’d hang out. He was very good at guitar, so it wasn’t that. It was mostly that I didn’t know what to do while he was doing that. Clap? Stare at him with adoring pinwheel eyes? I just wanted to make out with him, not be an audience. Is this so much to ask? Christ.

The use of the term ‘make love.’  SO. GROSS.

Boys wearing leather pants or a poet’s shirt. I AM NOT KIDDING; THIS HAS HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE

Also, easy on the poetry-quoting. I like poetry. (Okay, I don’t really like poetry. I just always say I do, so I won’t sound like a barbarian.) I just don’t believe that teenaged boys quote poetry at girls. And if they do, it’s icicles in the underpants. Sorry. If a grown-man quoted poetry at me, I’d fall over laughing. Because it’s such a dressed-up horndog strategy. Join the 21st century, already, Young Byron.

Any gimmick that causes one person to remove clothing, i.e. shirt drenched in torrential downpour or anything removed so someone can treat a bloody chest-region injury.

“Let me bandage this surface wound to your substantially-developed pecs.”

“This tiny, tight halter top I’m wearing is making me shiver!  I will need your letterman’s jacket to warm up my heaving cleavage body!”

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