More Clothing I Don’t Want

More Clothing I Don’t Want

Oh, hello, Fashion Industry. I’ve been hankering for new duds lately and have been perusing your websites to see if I should bother darkening your door. But I’m sad, Fashion Industry. It appears you have nothing but unflattering garbage for one such as me.

So, I’ll sit this season out. Have fun trying to sell your:

Retro flare TROUSER jeans.

Peasant shirts. NO MORE PEASANT SHIRTS. Especially if they cost $50. Peasants don’t spend $50 on shirts.

Floral chiffon dresses that don’t cover one’s butt.

Anything with a three-quarter length sleeve.

Phony Navajo/Native American ‘prints.’

Swoopy-necked cardigan sweaters lacking closure mechanisms. I don’t want to swan around like Liza Minelli, I just want to stay warm.

Knit scarves and hats.  Especially ones that cost $75 dollars but feature four bucks worth of yarn. Fuck you.

Ankle lace-up boots with wedgie heels. GROSS. And I’m too short. And we have ice in Minnesota. I don’t need to risk my life and look like a slutty Laurie Ingalls simultaneously, thanks.

All of the following:  turtleneck crop tops, high/low hem t-shirts, lace trousers, popcorn-knit sweaters, sweater-short rompers, jeggings, twig jeans, tweed evening shorts and satin palazzos.

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