Thank God It’s Almost Monday

Thank God It’s Almost Monday

I feel like killing my family.

Here’s what Matilda has been doing all day: whining. Waxing at length about the indignity of her crushing boredom. Discussing how she’s starving to death.

Here’s what Adrian has been doing all day: fixing my sister’s bathroom and then trying to kiss me when he’s all gross and when I’m all gross (I’ve been painting the bedroom). Maybe I have a thing for dumb guys, but Adrian has a thing for sweaty and dirty – literally – women.

Here’s how you get Adrian to be all over you like a hobo on a ham sandwich:  Just scrub out the toilet bare-handed, wearing your pajamas and no bra. Seconds later, he’ll come running to work his man magic on you. Enjoy.

Here’s what Matilda does when she’s overtired and devolving into a stressed-out mess: whines some more. Complains about her boredom. Talks about the injustice of her life. Pooches out her lip a lot. Says, “I don’t like your tone, Mom.”

Here’s what Adrian does when Matilda is overtired and devolving into a stressed-out mess: pours lighter fluid all over the situation and a box full of matches and whooosh, YEAH! Lots of yelling! Acting crazy and loud! It’s 8:30! Let’s freak the fuck out! Adrian’s never been able to calm his only child to sleep. He lies down with her and promptly slips into a coma and she’ll come into my office in her pajamas:  “Mom…I can’t sleep.”

AH FUCK! All of you – get out! Get out of my house! Go to your jobs and your schools! I have all this fiction writing to do and you’re both surfing my last nerve and burning up every available synapse with all your petty real-life problems I don’t give two shits about.

Oh, my Fake People! You are so lovely. When I want you to shut up, you just zip it. When I want you to go to bed, you’re snoring.  When I want you to entertain me, you dance. This is the reason happy endings exist.

One Comment

Leave Reply