Fashion Trends I Will Never Pull Off

Fashion Trends I Will Never Pull Off

Wearing a bandanna as a belt. My body has no waist. Bandannas are not that big. Ergo, that trend back in The 80’s is not accessible for one such as myself.

Leggings. I’m just too damn short. And have too many horrible memories from that decade of sartorial grossness, The 80’s.

Neon. This is not appropriate for human coloring. There is a reason it is used for road signs. Road signs don’t mind if they look tubercular.

Empire waist dresses. What with the no waist and the boobs, this look just equals pregnancy. Also, these days, many dresses of this cut appear to be hemmed too short, so you’ll pull a Lohan if you bend over to fetch a dropped item.

Wide-leg denim. Yuck. Not if you’re my height. And possibly not if you aren’t.

Gladiator sandals. I’m afraid I will never be in a position to fight a lion or a Christian to the death while wearing footwear that cuts off my short legs at the most unflattering point (and why must these things be festooned with baubles and sequins? I am imagining lion shit full of spangles. Lovely.)

Cable-knit sweaters. See above notes regarding The 80’s.

Stripper heels. These are the platform ones, with two inches beneath the toe box and five-six inch spike. Look, I’ve never pretended to be glamourous, but hell if I’m going to toddle around on forced-church days or job interviews in something designed to roll up my Achilles tendons like a broken window shade.

Scarves. Not having much of a neck, these present a visual problem. Also, I’m not wearing things that don’t serve a purpose. If I’m cold, I’ll crochet a muffler. But in the middle of the summer, I see no reason to swathe a piece of raggedy-ass cloth around me just for style points. This trend reminds me of the wardrobes sported by the flamboyant, free-spirited English teachers of my youth, which I cannot align myself with, no matter how much I fit that profile in reality.

Corset belts. Look, enough of this life gives me indigestion. I don’t need to barricade my innards in patent leather to make it happen on purpose.

4 Comments

  • Carrie on Oct 13, 2011 Reply

    I wore leggings in the 80’s, under giant men’s rugby shirts with bright white Keds. Ugh. It didn’t look good then and I can’t imagine now. I need to cultivate the illusion of length when it comes to dress.

    I’ve never thought of scarves as portable blankets – that’s a good point. I do have one of those flowy wrap shirts that I wear when I let the dog out in the morning, which also feels more like a blanket than clothes.

  • Ela on Oct 13, 2011 Reply

    Thanks for this morning laugh–special amen to the ‘no indigestion on purpose!’

    I’m wearing a pair of leggings right now–because they’re comfortable and easy to move in. Pretty soon, I’ll have to wear a pair of pants over top of them to go outside. And I’m often cold, so scarves are great portable blankets that I’ve been considering resurrecting–rattail for style points doesn’t enter into it.

  • Carrie on Oct 13, 2011 Reply

    I know, scarves are controversial. Most people like them. The scale of my body is just too short to clutter it up, however. I’ve got to be streamlined and simple or I look like a fugging Christmas tree.

  • LORMO on Oct 13, 2011 Reply

    I agree with all except scarves. You can hide behind them and I like that.

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