On Predictability

On Predictability

* Whenever you mention cherry bites licorice in front of my friend Heather, she will say: “I hate licorice; it tastes like plastic.”

* Adrian always eff-eff’s the following when they pop up on the iPod dock: any Kings of Leon, any Bob Dylan,  that one Pearl Jam song, the only Keith Urban song I own, “Detlef Schrempf” by Band of Horses and “Thank You” by Led Zeppelin.

* Speaking of iPods and Adrian, I dropped mine today into a toilet full of everyone’s nasty morning piss. This is the second iPod of mine to meet its fate in such an undignified way. Cue up Adrian’s combo of eye-rolling and disgust while I race to get the damn thing onto a crash cart and into the Shock Trauma Suite of rice in a bowl, where it sits now, until I quit denying that it’s hopeless.

* If I recommend a book to my sister, she will 100% of the time NOT read it (2009-present only).

* My father thinks any time he sets foot in a hospital, he is going to die. Including today, when he had his 476th angiogram. (Two stents. You aren’t going to die, Dad. If modern medicine knows anything, it’s the health concerns of old white men like you.)

* My brother-in-law Brian once told me, “I hate whispering. Say it out loud already.” And I realized I hate whispering, too. Because I can never really understand anything that’s whispered to me.

* If you mention that you think the premise of Kathryn Stockett’s The Help is somewhat unsettling, there will be someone in the room to explain to you how “it’s not like that!” and “it’s really good!”

* Any pajama pants I buy for Adrian will have something wrong with them (poor quality material that makes him sweat, no pockets or pockets too shallow or too deep, length too short or long) thus his continuing habit of sleeping naked for his entire life.

* Mentioning that I like running always elicits the response from someone along the lines of “I don’t run unless I’m on fire/someone’s chasing me” or “I would never do that.” I know this, because I used to say the same damn thing.

Leave Reply