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Attention, World: These Are Not Relevant Celebrities

1) All Kardashians and accessories after the fact to Kardashians, i.e. people who have sex with Kardashians or gave birth to Kardashians.

2) “The Real Housewives of [insert location].” You are freaks and I do not care who you fuck or marry or fight with while slamming down outsize glasses of wine. You are all mainly well-dressed dumbass drunks who wear too much jewelry and who make me embarrassed to be an American.

3) Teen Moms. This is going on at my local high school and everything about it – the zitty boy carrying the diaper bag while sulking at a basketball game, the girl with the belly ring and stretch marks, the dumb baby just sitting there blameless and clueless – is gross and sad and requiring more than our rubber-necky gawking.  But, really, any “Professional Reality Moms” like Kate Gosselin or the Duggar Freak With The Hair Horn gross me out. Y’all belong on Springer and you’re boring. And your whining about people criticizing your parenting? Makes no sense. Get the cameras out of there then, dumbasses.

4) Anyone within spitting range of American Idol, America’s Got Talent, X-Factor, Dancing With The Stars.  All of these shows seem to be a kind of holding tank for the also-ran, wannabe and nevergonnahappen set. Whether you’re a judge or a contestant, I just don’t care.

5) All Women Adjacent To The Bachelor. Also, the Bachelor himself can ram it up his ass. If I want to see gold-digging sleazy women sidling up to dumb hunky men with bleached-teeth and too much hair gel, I’ll go to my local sports bar and witness it live.

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