This Is How Accidents Happen

This Is How Accidents Happen

Yesterday I was driving home and I saw the most beautiful man in the world riding his bicycle.

No shirt, longish curly hair, a big stupid hipster cap, some weird man-necklace, those awful pants cut at mid-calf that hipster bike commuters prefer.

But damn, the most beautiful body EVER. Super tall (being tall levels you up to Save The Princess as far as my libido’s concerned) and lanky but muscles EVERYWHERE. Not like Men’s Health Beefcake Muscles. Surprise Muscles: the kind you wouldn’t know were there until he removed his shirt (the awesome kind, basically). Divots and dips in all those interesting places, that ridge between the shoulders, that flurry of dents around the navel.

Sweet water-walking Jesus.

Still, he was clothed in all that hateful fixie hipster accoutrement, and sailing across the crosswalk in front of me like nothing could harm him. Why did he get to have such a flawless body? The level of libidinal cognitive dissonance here was off the charts.

If I my mouth hadn’t been frozen open in a dribbling “O”, I might have shouted something at him. For being so beautiful and wretched at once.

Might have said something like, Fuck you, Dipshit Biker Dreamboat.


You wish, Suburban Cougar Dirtbag, he might have said back.

7 Comments

  • Carrie on Aug 30, 2011 Reply

    Tina, I feel you. Lately I am too old for everything I find fascinating.

    Holly, it was divine. I’m telling you, the angels wept.

  • Holly on Aug 30, 2011 Reply

    wait–he had on cropped pants and HUGE belt buckle? I think I feel a little sick…but I will take your word on the body.

  • Tina Laurel Lee on Aug 30, 2011 Reply

    Haha! Those hipsters get me every time. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it is the bike extension to their person. Something about the how it is like the 70’s all over again (even though I was only five)?

    I saw the best mustache ever while on vacation last week. It curled up on the ends LIKE A HANDLEBAR. Somewhere between 1970s and the early 1900s (probably that is why — I have a thing for all things old). Total hipster, on a bike. In fact the same bike I own! I was in love. And alas, way too old.

  • Carrie on Aug 30, 2011 Reply

    Baby, you still have tasty muscles. I actually like you, you know.

  • Lab Rat on Aug 30, 2011 Reply

    You wasted your opportunity when I was all skinny with tasty muscles and stuff. Now you have to close your eyes lay back and think of England.

  • Carrie on Aug 30, 2011 Reply

    But he had a huge belt buckle! And he wasn’t all hefty and what not…REALLY? This totally ruins my whole image (not that it’s wrong to be gay. Though I guess it is if you inhabit my fantasy space, probably.)

  • Anonymous on Aug 30, 2011 Reply

    He’s probably gay. Nothing wrong with that, but he’s probably gay. The clothing are your first tip. The body is the second. Straight men are too busy pretending to be interested in stuff that we think girls like to go to the gym.

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