Attention, True Blood, Season Four: Why Do You Have To Suck So Bad?
I guess I really want to have faith in my television shows. Since I have faith in nothing else, technically. So it upsets me to cut out the knees of a narrative I have hitherto really enjoyed, but goddammit, last night’s episode was so chock full of fuckery I cannot stay silent.
Let’s just run through this, character by character:
Sam: playing Barbies, becoming a bunny, doing some lady with light-switch nipples in a tent. Okay, that’s nice. Dee dee dee. But why do I care again?
Bill: Is always better when he’s far from Sookie. Dig his new role as king. But the second his wife comes on screen, he gets all goopy. Stop.
Eric: Was initially thrilling, with the memory loss reducing him to the vampire equivalent of John-Boy Walton being somewhat hilarious. But then he started staring at Sookie with his mouth all open and wearing barn coats and saying junk like ‘Can we make love?’ and just…YUCK. No. Stop. Grow out your hair and wear leather pants again and that ladies’ tank top, too, if you must. Whatever it takes to rinse this out of my mind.
Sookie: That ridiculous dream about the threesome was such a cringe-fest. You know something’s terribly awry when three nice-looking people attempt to get it on and you are looking at it from behind your fingers. Also, when she disrobed down to her Victoria’s Secrets, Anna Paquin looked rilly rilly rilly skinny. This is not her fault. This is Hollywood’s fault. Still – SIGH.
Jason: Okay, probably since the panther storyline died, Jason is okay. Normally, he’s just dumb and hilarious and impulsive, so I can’t fault him. Much.
Jessica: I pretty much continue to dig her. Though I don’t get why she can’t just have an open relationship with Hoyt. Oh, right…because Hoyt’s kind of old-fashioned. Also, isn’t she a perma-virgin? I don’t think even Jason Stackhouse has the skills to cope with this sexual problem.
Lafayette: LOSE THE THEO HUXTABLE HAIR.
Jesus: You’re okay, if you’d just shut up about how you’re a ‘brujo’ for one second. Also, why the hell would Mavis the Creole understand the Spanish you were hollering at her during the stupid spell part? The only thing missing from that whole dumb scene was a comic book dialogue bubble proclaiming SHAZAAMM!
Arlene/Terry: Both great characters now reduced to scrabbling around about their dumb BABY. See kids – babies really do ruin everything, including storylines on HBO vampire porn soap operas.
Tommy: Why do you keep coming around? I kind of want to like you. But then I don’t. But then you keep coming around. SIGH
Andy: Yes, you’re on V and you can’t handle going on dates. WHO CARES
Debbie/Alcide: Debbie is so gross it is improbable Alcide would ever date her, given he probably has to spend most of his waking hours eating raw peanut butter and doing plyometrics in order to stay in the shape he is in, and she’s such a hassle with her insecurity and what not. Also, why does he give a damn about Sookie again? Wait, because for some reason, everyone gives a damn about Sookie.
Marnie/Antonia: About all I can say is that I totally covet that leather belt she rocks. Otherwise I got nothing.
Tara: Like Tommy and Sam, I don’t get what Tara’s purpose is so far this season. Just to be mad and suffering every second? Wait, wasn’t that all you did last season?
Pam: reduced to bitching about being a zombie instead of fulfilling her show duty of being BAMF as usual. Completely ridiculous.
Sookie: I don’t get why she’s with Eric. She hated Eric. I mean, I know why I’d be with Eric. But I’m not a hater of Eric. Again. Consistency.
Overall: At least the whole Fairy world thing was nixed pretty quick. Though I worry it’ll come back, like the dumb panther and evil baby doll storylines.
Plus, I knew real Wicca practitioners would hate the way they’ve portrayed the witches’ spells. And they make fun of it, the whole use of witchcraft, the Moon Goddess Emporium set, especially, as if supernaturality wasn’t the bread and butter of this damn show.
True Blood, baby, why you got to do me this way? I used to live for every Sunday night during the summer. Where did our love go?