Dear Mark Foster:  Despite all the running fools I saw out this morning, you and I will not be going 10 miles today outside. It is simply too sticky, which fills me with rage. How about a nice 150 laps in the track tomorrow morning? Sound nice? Okay, sweetheart! Rest your voice – it’ll be about 2 hours of cooing in my ear I need from you.

Dear Dan Savage: I would read your grocery list. You turn a phrase like no one else.

Dear My House: Why must you be hot and dirty? Why must your windows be old and difficult to open and close? Why must you be encircled by this green stuff that is always growing?

Dear Tabitha Suzuma: My stomach knots whenever I think of Lochan and Maya.

Dear My Daughter: You are the funniest little girl ever. I love how your bed is full of toys. I do not understand why you wear fuzzy footie pajamas on days of humid hotness, like today.

Dear The Hot Mailman: Yes, you are handsome and have the muscles. How did you get those muscles? From heaving about all that mail? Yet it can never be, and not for lack of trying on your part, because you give Pablo dog biscuits and are friendly (plus the muscles.) No, it’s because you are a mailman and probably listen to AM radio all day long and I also suspect that you wear jean shorts. Tell me you don’t.

Dear Pablo: Ask The Man to walk you today. I have to get mah hurr did.

Dear Adrian: You are splendid. I like how you fix stuff. Also, I like your hair. Also, thanks for all the pregame that went into our drive-in outing last night. I wish you would wake up before I leave to get mah hurr did. Please walk Pablo.



  • Carrie on Aug 04, 2011 Reply

    All right, I’ll grant you that. But what of the jean shorts?

  • Anonymous on Aug 04, 2011 Reply

    There is lots of useful information and good easy listening on AM radio. Don’t be so quick to judge.

    You Mailman.

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